January 27th, 2012, started off just like any
other day. I talked to Elaine on her way to the gym while I was on my way to
Christi’s school to watch the kids run laps for their fundraiser. We confirmed
our plan to meet for lunch at South Coast and return a purse. It wasn’t but a few
minutes later my phone rang with a call that would change our lives forever.
I was watching the kids run, giving them five, and laughing
with them. I felt my phone buzz and saw it was my friend Kristin. I didn’t
answer. It was loud, and I couldn’t talk. It rang right back and I thought it
must be a pocket dial, an accidental call. When it rang the third time in a
row, I thought I had better answer. She said, “I’m at the gym with your mom.
Don’t freak out, but something has happened to her and they have called the
ambulance.”
Of course I freaked out, but I thought it was her racing
heart again, and I couldn’t hear her very well and said I would call her right
back. I ran as fast as I have ever ran before to my car. I called my dad, who
never answers the phone on the golf course, but happened to pick up. He was in
Palm Desert. I explained what little I knew, and told him I would call as soon
as I got to the gym and could figure out what was going on. I called Ben next
who I thought was in LA in a meeting. He didn’t answer. I knew he wouldn’t have
his phone on in the meeting so I texted him, “CALL ME 911.” He surprisingly
called me right back, as he was getting ready to leave to go to LA because the
meeting had been pushed back. He told me he would meet me at the gym.
I called Kristin back to figure out what was going on. She
was staying with my mom, talking to her and caring for her. She was able to put me
on the phone with the paramedic. He told me she was having a stroke. I am so
grateful to Kristin for being there with my mom, being so kind and caring, and
letting her know that she wasn’t alone. Despite Elaine’s condition, she told
Kristin, “I’m mad at you for calling Staci. You don’t need to bother her with
this. I’m fine.” I don’t remember parking the car, but I won’t ever forget
pulling into the parking lot and seeing the ambulance and fire truck, knowing
that they were there for my mom.
I ran into the gym and saw my poor mom on the gurney,
clearly having a stroke, scared, and saying, “I’m not having a stroke.” It was
life saving mode now. We loaded in the ambulance and headed to Hoag. I called
my dad, who was already on the road heading to Newport, and Ben, who was
meeting me at the hospital. We wheeled her into the ER and they were scrambling
to get her on the machines and to the scans she needed. Ben called Dr. Hackshaw
on the way to the hospital. He continued to walk us through the next few hours.
He was amazing, and a lifesaver for Ben and me.
It was a moment you can never be prepared for, when you are
asked to truly make life and death decisions with no time for a second opinion
or to sleep on it. Elaine never lost her sense of humor, insisting that they
not cut her shirt off, despite me arguing that we can get her a new one. The
staff was incredibly kind and managed to get her out of her shirt, without
cutting it. My poor dad was driving a million miles an hour, in shock, and not
sure if he was going to see his wife alive upon his arrival. We continued to
call him, making sure we were all in agreement, keeping in mind that we wanted
to be aggressive, giving her the best chance at a life. We knew life as a vegetable
is not what she would want, She didn’t want them cutting into her brain. She
made me promise I wouldn’t let them do that.
The TPA was our first choice, although given the severity of
her brain bleed (of which Ben and I saw the proof), they weren’t overly
optimistic it would work. Ben continued to stay in touch with Dr. Hackshaw, as we
trusted him implicitly. He was in agreement as well. Suddenly, as if it wasn’t
possible for the day to get worse, it did. Ben and I were holding my mom’s hand
when, Dr. Death as I called him, asked us to step outside and talk to him. He
brought us to another computer with some x-rays. They did a body scan and
showed us her lung. He then points to two masses. I stared at him in disbelief.
There is no way it can be cancer, it just can’t. I literally fell to the floor
in shock and heartbroken.
We didn’t want to tell my dad until we could tell him in
person. We stayed calm and fortunately, the TPA was working, the clot buster
was doing its job! Thank you Herb Boyer and Genetech! Ben met my dad in the
parking lot to tell him of the “cancer.” They had moved Elaine to ICU by then,
and I will never forget the look on my mom’s face when she saw my dad. She had
been telling me throughout the morning that she was “mad you called dad! He
didn’t need to get off the golf course for this.” When she saw my dad, they both
started to cry, and you could see the sense of relief in both their eyes, each
feeling relief for different reasons. Fred sat there holding Elaine’s hand for
the next few hours, refusing to leave her side. It was in that, typically two
hour drive, that only took Fred 1 hour and 20 minutes, his entire life flashed
before him and not knowing if the next time he saw her, she would be dead or
alive! We are so grateful she is alive!
It was a day we will never forget, and a day that has
changed our lives, our behavior, our attitudes, forever. Your always say you
are going to live in the moment, enjoy every day like its your last, not sweat
the small stuff, never take a moment with a loved one or friend for granted.
These are all easy to say, but harder to do. I have learned that I have the
strongest mother alive. I always knew that she was a fighter, but she has been
courageous, brave, not felt sorry for herself, not given up, and had the most
incredible attitude. Sure she has had some dark days, but who wouldn’t in her
situation? She could have crawled in a hole, but she didn’t! She has defied all
of the odds, making the impossible, possible.
My dad has surprised me the most. He has been more patient
that I ever knew anyone could be, especially him. He has been aggressive in
seeking out options, alternatives, new technology or ideas. He has been her
voice and brain when she needed him the most. He has been her rock, her
shoulder to cry on, her entertainer, and her best friend. He has been
incredibly compassionate, and loving. He stepped into a role that I don’t think
anyone thought he was capable of, and has simply been amazing. There is no
doubt in my mind that Elaine would not be recovering so well, and be the
medical miracle she is, without his constant love, support, and attention.
I’m sure she dreams, or has nightmares, hearing his voice
saying, “straighten your leg, where is your arm, swing your arm, don’t hitch.”
He has never given up on her, and she has never given up on
herself. They are the dream team. It is an incredible feeling knowing that your
parents are so committed to each other and have such a strong love, especially
in this situation.
Ben does not get the credit or accolades that he deserves.
He has been an instrumental part of my mom’s recovery in so many ways. The
first night my mom was in the ICU, my dad was exhausted, mentally, and
physically, after a very long day. We were at the hospital and Ben came back
with his backpack, insisting that he stay with Elaine. Ben didn’t sleep a wink
that night, just sat there holding Elaine’s hand, watching monitors, and
staring at her. Ben spent many nights in the hospital and rehab hospital with
my mom as well. He spent hours taking to doctors, and doing research. He never
did this out of obligation, but out of pure love and because he wanted to. Ben has been so supportive and loving to my
mom, my dad, and I, in different ways, but each of us needing him. I am so
lucky to have married my best friend and the half that made me whole. Ben,
thank you from the bottom of my heart for being by my side throughout the past
11 years, and especially this past year. Thank you for loving my parents so
much, too.
There are many lessons we have learned over the year. The
most valuable to me has been the importance of family and friends. If you have
your health, but no one to share the goods days with, your life is empty. The
four of us have worked very closely as a team this past year. We have cried
together, laughed together, and most of all, shared love. I have been amazed of
the depths of friendships that my parents have, too. We have said it often, but
it continues to humble and inspire us, and we could never express our gratitude
for the outpouring of love, prayers, and support we have been given throughout
the year. Elaine had countless visitors in both hospitals and when she arrived
home. People still continue to reach out, inviting them to lunch, dinner, or
just wanting to visit. Their friends have filled their days, and given them
strength. All of you have displayed friendship in its truest form, and it will
never be forgotten. It takes somebody who is very loved, a special soul, and
wonderful to have such caring friends. Elaine is certainly that person.
Elaine has inspired so many with her dedication, perseverance,
courage, and determination. She has had visitors from all ages visit. Her granddaughter
wrote an inspirational paper about her. Elaine had three friends run half
marathons for her; Christi, Jackie and Kendra. Greg wrote a song about Little
Darlin’. Elaine had a golf tournament dedicated to her. Her ETS bracelets
became a staple on all our friends. Elaine even had an award named after her at
Palm Desert High School.
It has been quite a year, and we are celebrating January 28, 2013 as the beginning of our
new year! We are full of hope, full of love, full of inspiration, and full of
faith. We are thankful to God for answering our prayers. Thankful for each
other. Thankful for our friends. We are celebrating the life Elaine is living!
We made a video of the past year from photographs we have
taken. We will warn you, it’s a bit long! Its in chronological order, and
clearly made by very inexperienced movie makersJ
The easiest way to watch it is by clicking on this link: https://vimeo.com/58337764
It
should work on your computer, phone, or iPad.
We want to say a very special thank you to Richie, Julie, and Vangie. The three of them completely upended their lives to help us (and continue to do so) every single time we needed them. Their love, kindness, and sacrifice will always be remembered and incredibly appreciated by all of us. There are not enough words to ever fully express our gratitude.
This blog has been an important part of our journey. We are
so thankful and humbled by all of you who read it and who have told us how much
you appreciate it. It means the world to us, and to Fred and Elaine.
We started
this blog a year ago. It is now time that we sign off. Elaine has come so far.
We have all come so far. There may be a post every so often if there is something to say, but
we hope that the health of Fred and Elaine speaks for itself. Updates will
come from seeing them living their lives! We love you, thank you, and Happy New Year!
WHO'S GOT IT BETTER THAN US?
NOBODY!
